


Lifeline

by thingyoudowiththatthing



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Brainwashing, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Falling In Love, Mind Control, Stubborn Reader, Torture, helping each other through bad times, lying, nervous Bucky, scared reader, serum injections
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-22
Updated: 2018-06-27
Packaged: 2019-05-26 16:48:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 21,931
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15005147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing
Summary: Y/N Wilson had been working as a technical agent for the Avengers alongside Maria Hill for 2 years when the compound was breached and she was taken captive. Steve Rogers, Bucky Barnes, and Sam Wilson instantly launch a mission to save her, but will who they bring back be the Y/N that they lost?





	1. Prologue

Bucky was sitting on a rock overlooking the Soviet prison they had tracked the presumed HYDRA agents too. He wasn’t listening to Steve’s mission plan. He already knew it. He had gone over it with him and Sam last night when the team of former Shield agents was asleep. There wasn’t any room for error. The target was a personal one. Not just for Sam, but for all of them.

One thing Bucky didn’t understand was why you? Out of all the agents within the compound that day, why had they gone for you? The attack had been calculated, and there was no doubt in Bucky’s mind that you, Y/N Wilson, had been their intended target all along. He knew that Steve knew it too, even if neither one of them had dared say anything to Sam about it. You were his little sister, and no matter what HYDRA had been planning, your life and safety was their number one concern. They were bringing you back home today after being missing for 2 weeks. They could figure the rest out later, and they would. Anything concerning HYDRA would always be personal to all of them, but Bucky especially wanted nothing more than seeing that organization finally burn to ashes. It was like a weed. No matter how many times Bucky and Steve thought it was over, that they had put an end to the suffering HYDRA had caused, they came back. Bucky was starting to fear he would be fighting them for the rest of his life, if not somehow ending back on their side. Whatever they had put in him was still there. It was under control, but it still lay dormant in the back of his mind.The Winter Soldier still existed.

Bucky shook himself free of those thoughts, taking a deep breath and sending Steve a measured nod as he finished his brief. Today wasn’t about the past or what HYDRA had done to him. It was about bringing the girl that always smiled at everyone back home from her place behind the desk. Someone that had never feared him and treated him just like you treated everyone else. Someone that Bucky had grown to care for more than he would like to admit. You were Sam’s sister, but that didn’t change the fact that you made him feel at home in the compound. You made him feel at home, remembering stupid things he and everyone else liked. Not only did you remember you surprised them all with small gifts after ended missions. You were happy and bubbly. Pure and not damaged like the rest of them. You hadn’t been at least, but Bucky feared that was no longer the truth.

You didn’t deserve any of this. You weren’t a field agent. You had training just like every single agent working in the compound, but your strengths were your brain and compassion. You weren’t a soldier or a killing machine like the rest of them. So why the hell had HYDRA gone for you? You who couldn’t possibly mean anything to them, but meant the world to every one of the team?

Bucky’s mind stilled as Steve gave the signal, and Sam took off, circling the prison from the sky, ready to provide cover before bridging himself as Steve began moving the squad on foot towards the front entrance. They were the distraction while Bucky quietly slipped through the woods on his own to get to the east side of the prison and the old sewer systems.

As soon as he was inside, he alerted Steve to his whereabouts. What he didn’t tell him though was the sinking feeling of recognition he got the second he was inside the walls of the prison. Bucky had been here before. Clenching his jaw, he kept moving. This wasn’t random. It couldn’t be. Whoever had regrouped and was leading HYDRA now, this felt too familiar. Too close to home. There had been a reason they had taken you, and maybe it was to lead Bucky, Steve, and Sam here. Maybe it was to bring Bucky back to their fold, and taking you was a hell of a lot easier than actually kidnapping Sam or Steve. The result was the same. Even if Bucky suspected a trap, there was no way he couldn’t keep pushing forward. Sam was a pain in the ass, but he was a friend. You, even if he hardly knew you, were one of the few people he actually considered family. Steve, Sam and you were all he had left. You were pretty much the only thing that kept him sane on most days. He was getting you out even if it meant not walking out of this place himself. Hell, maybe it was for the better if he didn’t.

“You got eyes on her?” Sam’s voice sounded through the intercom just as Bucky put down the first three soldiers he encountered. 

“Not yet,” Bucky whispered, not wanting to alert anyone to his presence. He didn’t have eyes on you yet, but memories were flooding back. He knew where you would be. This place had a lab, and the mere thought of it scared him. You had been gone for two weeks. There was no telling what Bucky was walking into, but he couldn’t tell Sam that. All he could do was what he did. He kept pushing forward.

Bucky frowned as he reached the center of the prison. He stood three floors above the lab, looking down at the machines that were all too familiar. He stayed safe from anyone noticing his presence down there, but it was quiet. No scientists, no guards, nothing. All he saw was you strapped to one of the tables, looking as if you were sleeping, but Bucky knew better. They didn’t put you to sleep. They didn’t care enough too. If you were out, it was because the pain had been too much, not because of a merciful act on one of the damn scientists part. Your pain meant nothing to them, and Bucky felt the anger boil inside his chest. He knew it was a trap. Getting here, now, to the empty lab; it was simply too easy. He just couldn’t care. He had to get you out of there and to the roof for Sam to airlift out. As long as he did that, what happened after would have to happen. He had broken the settings they had triggered in him before. He could do it again. No matter what happened, he was getting you out just as he had promised Sam.


	2. A Way Back

You were sitting on the floor of your room. The door was no longer locked for your own and the other’s protection, but your mind still felt as if it had been put through a blender. Your migraines were as bad as they had ever been since they started. You closed your eyes, trying to remember what was real. It was always harder when you woke from the nightmares. All the images in your head seemed out of focus somehow, and you had no clue how to even start to piece them back together. Not until sleep left your brain and the panic started to ease. That’s when his words reached you. The words of the man a part of your brain still believed had murdered your brother, while his best friend tortured you. In your mind, the two super soldiers had broken every rule and moral code either of them had ever lived by in order to keep your brother’s killer free. James Buchanan Barnes.

You squeezed your eyes shut as the images flashed over and over in your brain, faster and faster as you started believing them, even with Bucky’s voice ringing in the back of your head.

_“Whatever you are seeing. It isn’t real Y/N,” Bucky jumped backwards out of the reach of your knife._

_As soon he had unstrapped you from the table you jumped to attack him. You were no match for him. You could hold your own in a one and one fight, but against several people or a supersoldier, you didn’t stand a chance. You weren’t that kind of agent, even if you had wanted to be. Your brother had pulled some strings, and you had ended up behind a computer screen. You had been furious with him for at first, but you had adapted. Hell, you had even liked working for Captain Rogers right up until the call came that Barnes was being brought to justice for his crimes. Rogers and Barnes had locked themselves into the control center with you and Sam, and that was when it started. You and Sam had pleaded with Rogers to rethink what he was doing, but there had been no reasoning with them. They needed the codes for the missile launchers to create a diversion as they stole one of the helicopters to get away. You had given them to them to save your brother’s life, but Barnes had killed him anyway. They had captured you and held you, prisoner, ever since. This was your change. Neither of them had ever been careless enough to let you lose before. Not without the other pointing a gun at your head anyway. You needed to get back to your mom. She couldn’t lose you both. You needed to get to Stark. You wanted revenge on the monsters that destroyed your world._

_“Goddammit. Stop it Y/N!” Bucky screamed at you when he ducked your fist as you flung yourself at him again. You were blinded by hatred and anger. You didn’t see that he was speaking the truth. “I don’t want to hurt you. Stop, please. Just listen.”_

_Bucky danced around you like a damn cat. He was closing in on you as if he was trying to get a hold of you without actually getting in any punches. This was a game to him, which only served to anger you even more. If he wanted to stop you, he would have to kill you, just like he had done Sam._

_“Y/N! It’s Bucky! Do you recognize me?” he asked as he quickly shut the door between you and a handful of guards appearing on the other side of it. He broke the handle, preventing them from coming in without even taking his eyes off you. What the hell kind of game was he playing?_

_“I know who you are Sergeant Barnes,” you hissed, not paying attention to how the man in front of you flinched slightly at the use of his service name. You honestly didn’t give a damn what he wanted you to call him. You wanted him dead as simple as that._

_“Okay so fake memories,” Bucky mumbled to himself before his eyes widened and he jumped and rolled out of the way of the metallic table you flung at him._

_“Fuck! Y/N,” Bucky was up fast, so fast you didn’t even have time to take advantage of his distracted state. Instead, he managed to get a little closer to you, slowly cornering you. You knew what he was doing, but you didn’t have the training to stop him. Your mind was going a million miles a minute as you tried to figure a way past him._

_“Y/N. The colors might be different,” you blinked as your eyes fell back to him, wondering what the hell he was talking about. Then you realized some of your memories flashed a different color. Almost like a worn out photograph. The memories of that day. Everything from the moment the phone rang that day. The colors were wrong. Bucky smiling at you as he walked passed your desk that morning with a cup of coffee and a sleepy look in his eyes. Sam nodding at you moments later as he and Steve came back from their run, still bickering about if Steve had been cheating or not. Those images were in a different color. Real. Normal._

_Your mind was fighting itself, and you screamed, feeling as if a knife had been plunged into your brain. Bucky was at your side in an instant, catching you and preventing you from hitting the floor as you fell._

_“I’m so sorry Y/N. I need to get you out of here,” Bucky mumbled as you looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, not realizing until you felt the needle pierce the skin of your arm, what he was doing. You fought back against him, suddenly afraid. Not sure what was real and what wasn’t, but Bucky just held on to you. Tight enough that you weren’t getting away, but not causing you any harm in any way._

He had held you until the world started fading to black, and the next time you woke up, you were in the compound.

Seeing Sam for the first time had been a shock. You had freaked out, pulling the IVs from your arm and screaming at the top of your lungs for him to get the hell away from you. You were sure he was a hallucination caused by the IVs in your arms. You had almost destroyed the entire medical wing when a handful of agents had stormed in aiming their weapons at you to tranquilize you. They would have too had Steve and Bucky not come running down the halls. Sam’s orders to stand down had been ineffective, but the moment Steve repeated them, their weapons were lowered. You hadn’t really paid them any attention though. Your eyes had been on the man that had kept moving until he was standing a few feet away from you. His sole focus was on you, trusting Steve to hold the agents back.

“ _Y/N. Do you remember me?” he asked as you took a few hasty steps backwards. Your last memory of him holding you down seemed strangely calming. Like he had been trying to protect you, but the images of him killing your brother flashed through your mind, causing your eyes to tear up. Your alive brother, who was standing right next to the man that had tortured you, holding back the agents you all knew from hurting you. A part of you realized you were home, but you’re mind kept screaming at you to run. To fight. To hurt the men that had hurt you._

_“You were taken by HYDRA 2 weeks ago Y/N. Yesterday Sam, Steve and I went in to get you out. You’re back home. They put something in your head. Y/N focus on the colors,” Bucky spoke calmly, holding up his hands in surrender as he slowly moved towards you. “Some of what you remember will seem distorted. Red-ish maybe,” Bucky kept talking as he slowly took another step towards you._

_You shook your head as the throbbing headache suddenly came rushing back. “No… No… I saw you. You killed Sam. He’s not real. He tortured me,” you shot Steve a look that instantly made him flinch before Bucky called your attention back to him._

_“Sam’s alive Y/N. He’s standing right behind me,” Bucky reasoned with you, but you shook your head harder._

_“You’re lying! You injected me with something back there. The IV…”_

_You fought back, trying to make sense of your memories, but Bucky didn’t back down. He was standing just a few feet away from you now, but he was still talking._

_“I gave you a sedative. I wanted to talk to you like we are now, but I had to get you out of the prison. I’m sorry I did that to you,” Bucky explained with a genuinely pained look in his eyes. “Focus on the colors Y/N. Does something seem off?”_

_“Yea… Maybe. Some of them are old… they look old.” You rubbed the sides of your head. “Like very old. A photograph from the 40s or something.”_

_You groaned in pain. You weren’t sure why you were trusting him, but some of his words had struck a chord. They rang true, like only someone that had been through something similar would understand._

_“Well thanks for that one darling,” Bucky smiled at you teasingly, but the concern was still evident in his eyes as you looked up at him. Suddenly, all the other memories of him washed over you. Colorful and real. Memories of you bringing him gadgets back every time you had been to the Tower. Memories of him placing a vanilla latte on your desk next to you without a word as he dropped by for entell or needing you to hack something for him. You hadn’t exactly been friends. Bucky was a hard man to be friends with, but you had probably been as close as it came with him. Except for Steve of course, but that was different._

_“Bucky?”_

_Your voice cracked a little. You felt vulnerable, scared and alone. You didn’t know what you needed; not until he opened his arms and you ran straight to him. You let him close his arms around you and hold you tight. The sense of calm rushed over you again as he did._

_“I got you. You’re home,” Bucky mumbled quietly, letting you cling to him and cry against his chest._

The next few weeks had been difficult. There had been setbacks and moments where you believed the lies HYDRA had placed in your head. You had blackened Clint’s eye when he came to visit while you were training with your brother. You had cut Steve’s arm in the kitchen before Bucky could jump across the table and pull you away from him. There had been days where you had been laughing and talking with Sam and Steve as if nothing had happened. Other’s where Natasha had come by to hang out, promising you a girl’s night out as soon as your marbles had been counted. The days were different, filled with ups and downs. Only two things were constant. The headaches when the fake memories tried to present themselves as real and Bucky visiting you first at the hospital and then in your room every day. He had become the lifeline that had teetered you to reality. Every day you felt yourself slowly getting stronger and more in control of your own mind because of what he taught you. The man that had barely said three words to you on a good day before had suddenly become your best friend and your safety.

Tonight you had woken up bathed in sweat, haunted by the memories you knew now weren’t real. They still felt real though, and tonight they were painfully hard to push back. You weren’t sure you could do it on your own. Something felt different. Your joints were aching along with your head. It felt as if your fake memories were not only in your head now. They were in your body, pumping through your veins. It didn’t make sense. No one could understand.

You opened your eyes as his face entered your mind. Bucky. You slowly pushed yourself off the floor and walked out into the hallway. The compound was quiet, and everyone was asleep. You were being an idiot. You shouldn’t wake him up just because you had a bad dream. That was what you kept telling yourself, but your feet kept moving until you were right outside his room. You raised your hand to knock but regretted it. You took a deep breath, feeling the tears against your eyes as you turned around to head back to your room. You didn’t take more than one step before the door behind you opened, and you turned around to see Bucky standing before you.

It was a warm night, and Bucky wasn’t wearing a shirt. His PJ pants hang low on his hips, and you sucked in a breath at the sight. Hopefully, he didn’t notice. You had no right to stare, and it wasn’t the reason you had come here in the first place. Even so, there was no denying that Bucky was an amazing looking man.

“What’s up?”

Bucky rubbed his eyes sleepily, completely unaware of the way your eyes had just hungrily traveled over his abs, toned chest and biceps - yes the metal arm counts. You’re eyes rolled internally at the realization that Bucky had heard you or sensed your presence somehow and had gotten up to answer the door. Still, he didn’t notice you checking him out when you were standing in front of him. Bucky was a walking contradiction sometimes, but that was one of the things you had always loved about him.

“I had a nightmare and… Was it all in my head? Sam’s not dead?” you asked, ducking your head a little, and Bucky instantly stepped aside, opening the door to you.

“Come in. Let’s talk,” he sent you a sad, tired smile as you nodded, walking past him into the room. You looked around, never actually having been in here before, but there wasn’t much to see. A few pictures of him and the other Avengers. A few of more of him and Steve that he probably nicked from a museum since you didn’t know where else he would have gotten pictures from the 40s. Then there was one of you and him. You stopped dead in your tracks, staring at it. It was from Stark’s Christmas party last year. You remembered Wanda taking pictures, and you even remembered that one being taken. What you hadn’t realized was that Bucky was actually smiling. He had his arm happily around your shoulder as he smiling and relaxed stared into the lens. Your heart skipped a beat as you looked into his eyes on the photograph, remembering his touch had the same fluttering in your chest that night. It had been the first and only time he had been that close to you, right up until he had pulled you from the HYDRA prison.

“Wanda gave it to me… I’m sorry. I can take it down if it’s weird,” Bucky mumbled, reaching for the photo, and your hand instinctively reached out to stop him.

“No, it’s okay. I like it. It’s a good memory. A real memory,” you spoke quietly, and Bucky nodded, pulling back his hand.

Your stomach flipped, kinda wishing he hadn’t. You were being an idiot. He was your friend and just trying to help you. Now wasn’t the time for your schoolgirl crush you had harbored for him since you first met to flare up. He didn’t see you like that. Your head might be more scrambled than Steve’s morning eggs, but you weren’t that delusional.

Bucky pulled his hand back, feeling a jolt of electricity shoot through his body. Just like he had at the Christmas party when he put his arm around you. He had felt the pull at other times, but he had been focused on your healing and had been able to push it aside. He lowered his gaze, running his hand through his hair, not really knowing what to do with how he felt or the way you were looking at him. There was a yearning in your eyes that he hadn’t noticed before, or maybe he had but he hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on it back then. It had been before you were captured, but you were still Sam’s sister, and Bucky was 7 kinds of messed up. You deserved better, and you certainly didn’t deserve him hitting on you while you were still getting your bearings after what HYDRA had done to you.

Truthfully, Bucky wasn’t even sure he remembered how to anymore, and even as he did, it wasn’t what this was. He liked you. He always had, but spending hours upon hours with you these past few weeks was starting to make him realize just how much.

“You’re doubting your memories again? Nightmare?” Bucky asked, quietly looking up to meet your gaze.

The wind was almost knocked from his lungs with the way you were looking at him. There was so much trust in your eyes. Bucky wasn’t sure he deserved that, but he was going to do his damnedest to earn it.

“I… I don’t know. I know you didn’t hurt Sam but…” You shook your head, trying to unscramble your memories.

“Sam is alive Y/N.” Bucky to a step forward, reaching out to give your arm a reassuring squeeze. “And as annoying as ever,” he added with a cheeky grin, and you couldn’t hold back your laughter.

You had never been sure what it was with the two of them. Sure there was a complicated past between them, but you had no doubt in your mind all was long forgiven on both sides. Still, they bickered like two children wanting to play with the same toy. The silly and never-ending arguments did little to hide the admiration and respect between the two men. They were friends, even if they would deny it if anyone asked.

“Come on.”

Bucky offered you his hand with a smile. You looked at it and back into his eyes before taking it. You had no idea what he was up too, but you trusted him. If it hadn’t been for him, you would probably be locked away in a padded cell by now.

“Where are we going?” you asked, and Bucky gave your hand a small squeeze.

He was no stranger to nightmares. Hell, he had been in Wakanda for months before he managed to sleep through the night. Even now it wasn’t unusual for him waking up bathed in sweat as the images of innocent people dying by his hand replaying themselves over and over in his mind. Going back to sleep was pointless, so he had begun to wander the compound on those nights. His restlessness had eventually turned into cooking late night meals in the kitchen. Working with his hands and busying his mind seemed to help him, so maybe it would help you too.

“Cooking,” he answered, as he released your hand and began placing different ingredients on the kitchen counter.

You looked at him, blinking a few times as you tried to get past how strange this scenario was to you.

“You know how to cook?” you asked, grinning sheepishly when Bucky turned towards you with raised eyebrows.

“Don’t sound so surprised.”

Bucky faked a hurt expression, which you saw right through. Had people asked you before you were captured, you would have said Bucky was hard to read. Downright impossible even. But spending so much time with him these past few weeks had changed that. His eyes were always filled with emotion. They changed in split seconds, but he was far from the stoic man you had once thought him to be, which only made you care for him even more.

“Well excuse me, old man,” you teased as you moved to stand behind the counter with him. “I didn’t think men did a lot of cooking in the 1940s.”

An amused glimmer crossed Bucky’s face, and before you knew it, he was behind you. His fingers duck into your sides, tickling you and making you beg for forgiveness.

Bucky laughed as you squirmed between him and the counter. He couldn’t remember the last time he had felt this at ease with himself or even this happy. He was still grinning when he finally took pity on you, resting his hands on your hips as he leaned forward to whisper in your ear.

“I picked up a few things in Romania. Never too late to teach an old dog new tricks it seems,” Bucky teased, but his breath caught in his throat when you turned around in his hold.

Fuck you were beautiful. It was more than that though. You looked at him, and you saw him. Not the Brooklyn boy he used to be and not the assassin he had been for decades. You saw all of it and who he was now. The knowledge showed in your eyes, and yet you didn’t shy away from him. You weren’t afraid of him, and there was no pity behind the brown eyes shining up at him either.

“You sure about that Buck?” you whispered.

You had no idea where you got the courage from. Your heart was racing as you stared into those grey-blue orbs that had come to mean so much to you over the past few weeks. He was the only one who understood you. He didn’t judge you or pity you. He was just there; your steady calming presence whenever you needed it. You were falling in love with him, and judging by the look in his eyes as he slowly leaned toward you, he was feeling the same.

Bucky’s heart was beating so fast he swore you’d be able to feel it. He stopped a few inches from her lips, searching your eyes for any doubt or sign he was pushing you to do something you didn’t want. He found none. Instead, your arms traveled up his arms, wrapping around his neck and drawing him closer.

His lips met yours in the softest, most tender kiss you had ever felt. It was in complete contrast to the officiant warrior you knew him to be. His strong arms closing around you made you feel safe and at home as his lips moved in sync with yours. You breathed him in as you let your senses be completely overwhelmed with all that was Bucky, and you had never in your life felt more like you belonged.

“What the hell are you doing?” Sam’s voice thundered through the kitchen, and Bucky jolted back from you with a look of sheer panic on his face.

It wasn’t just panic though. There was regret in his eyes. Regret that tore at your heart, causing you to spin around, placing yourself between Bucky and a fast approaching Sam.

“I never should have trusted you. I never thought you would stoop as low as taking advantage of her like that,” Sam roared, completely ignoring your presence in the room.

Had you looked back over your shoulder, you would have seen how your brother’s words made Bucky flinch. A part of him feared Sam was right. He never should have kissed you. No matter how badly he had wanted too. Fuck you were even more perfect than he could have imagined, but Sam was right. You had been through so much, so even if he hadn’t meant to push you, how could he be sure he hadn’t?

“Sam I…” Bucky started, but you didn’t give him a chance to even finish his thought before you were screaming at your brother.

“She is standing right in front of you Samuel,” you hissed calling your brother’s attention back to you. “How about you try talking to me instead of blaming Bucky for things he hasn’t done?”

“Talk to you? Now you wanna talk?” Sam snapped back, and your eyebrows furrowed.

His voice was high pitched and had you taken two seconds to breathe, you would have recognized the hurt in your brother’s eyes. You didn’t. You were too angry with him.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” you yelled back at him as Bucky stood frozen to the floor behind you.

He was starting to realize Sam’s anger hadn’t been about the kiss. It had been an excuse. You had done everything possible to avoid Sam these past few weeks. Sure you had spent time with him but only when someone else was around. Bucky, on the other hand, you sought out whenever you could. Bucky had been the one you talked to when you were trying to find a way through the maze in your head. He had been the one you had leaned on to find your way back. Not your brother. Bucky hadn’t realized any of this until he watched the siblings scream at each other, both of them forgetting his presence in the room.

“You have barely said two words to me all week. And now you wanna talk? After I find you with his tongue down your throat?” Sam snapped, and you stepped forward, clenching your fists at your sides.

“So I hurt your feelings by talking to someone that understands what I am going through is that it?” Your voice was low and ominous, and you felt as if your veins were freezing. The angrier you got, the colder you felt.

“How the fuck could I understand when you don’t talk to me Y/N?” he groaned, and Bucky took a step forward to try and calm the waters.

He felt horrible. He should have known. He should have talked to Sam about this. Before Bucky could say or do anything, you smacked her hands flat against Sam’s chest.

Bucky froze as he saw Sam’s eye widen, and he gasped with the impact.

“Y/N,” Sam mumbled, but the strain in his voice was lost to you. So was Bucky’s call of your name, coming from behind you. You were too angry. Too caught up in the moment and the fight, like you had been a million times before. Sam was overprotective and annoying as hell. Fighting with him wasn’t out of the ordinary even if you loved him to pieces.  

“I am not a baby!” you yelled.

Blinded by rage, you didn’t see how much distress the slap of your hands against Sam’s body had caused him. So you did it again as you kept yelling, this time shoving him backwards. “And I don’t need your pity!”

Sam fell to the floor, heaving for breath, clutching his chest as his skin slowly turned grey. You gasped, all anger was gone in an instant as you saw your brother’s distress. You moved forward to help him, but Bucky beat you to him, raising his hand to stop you from getting closer.

“Stop. Y/N don’t touch him. Press the alarm,” Bucky instructed, but you stood completely still as your tears fell down your cheeks.

All you saw was Sam gasping on the ground with Bucky kneeling next to him, trying to coach him through breathing. You did this. You had no idea how, but you did this.

“Dammit,” Bucky groaned when you didn’t respond to his words, and he jumped from the ground, placing his hands on your arms.

That did the trick. You instantly jumped back, scared you would hurt him too. You ran from the room, ignoring Bucky’s call of your name before he yelled down the hallways for help.

“Steve! I need you down here. Get the medics now!”


	3. Home

With his arms crossed over his chest, Bucky stood behind the glass watching you with Bruce. It had been three days since the incident in the kitchen and two days of Dr. Banner running tests and examining her. Bucky had spent the first day trying to talk you out of your room. He finally succeeded, but she still barely spoke to him.

Bucky wasn’t much of a talker, but he was the only one you didn’t scream at every time they had approached you through your door. Well, you had at first, but Bucky was stubborn. More than that, he didn’t want you treated like a threat. Tony had suggested just kicking in the door. Bucky knew Tony cared about you, but he didn’t understand what was going on with you. He wanted to protect all of the team while Bucky’s focus was on you.

Actually, Bucky might have knocked Tony out cold had Steve not stepped in between them, siding with Bucky. You needed to come out on your own. Any force they showed could trigger another incident, and more people might get hurt. That was Steve’s reasoning. It wasn’t Bucky’s.

Bucky just understood what you were going through. You needed to know they were there for you. They couldn’t treat you as an enemy or a threat. Hell, Sam wouldn’t want them too either if he had been there and not in a hospital bed hooked up to a million machines. Bucky closed his eyes, trying to will the image of that night out of his head and instead focus on Dr. Banner and you.

“How’s she holding up?” Steve’s voice sounded from behind Bucky, but he never took his eyes of you. Steve took his place beside his best friend, watching you sit on the table, wearing a hospital gown while Bruce ran even more tests.

“She’s quiet,” Bucky answered truthfully. He wasn’t sure how to explain to Steve that he knew a war was raging inside your mind right now.  

Bucky felt Steve carefully studying him. He knew Steve knew there was a connection between you and Bucky, but thankfully Steve chose not to press the matter right now.

“And the tests?”

“They injected her with something,” Bucky spoke through gritted teeth.

He hated HYDRA for all they had done to him, but this… This was different. He wanted to burn the organization to the ground, taking every last person working for it down. Seeing you so scared and alone had triggered something in him. He had been too late to save you, but he sure as hell would avenge what they had done to you.

“Is it reversible?” Steve asked quietly and Bucky shook his head.

“Banner doesn’t think so. It’s not like you and me Steve. It’s in her skin. Dormant,” Bucky let out a sigh, resting his hands against the window cell. He smiled softly when you turned your head at that movement, and your eyes met his. You didn’t return his smile, but you held his gaze until Bruce reclaimed your attention.

“Is it anything like Dr. Banner’s condition?” Steve asked, with clear concern in his voice.

Bucky wasn’t sure if his concern was for you or the rest of the team. You had already put one person in the hospital after all. There was no telling what your next outburst could cause. Bucky got that. Steve was their leader. He had to worry about everyone, but Bucky only cared about you right now.

“Maybe. Banner is not sure yet, but he thinks it’s designed to be more controllable. He was showing her some pictures earlier and there seems to be a heightened activity in her bloodstream when she experienced certain emotions. None of what he showed her caused the serum to reach her skin though,” Bucky gave Steve a weary smile. “He thinks she can learn to turn it on and off in time.”

“But until then she’s a timebomb. Maybe Tony is right. She should be under lockdown,” Steve muttered, and Bucky’s expression instantly hardened.

“So am I, Steve. You want to have me locked up somewhere too?” Bucky turned to face Steve, challenging him.

A pained expression spread across Steve’s face as his eyes met Bucky’s. “Of course not. But this isn’t the same thing…”

“No. You can tell her to stop, and she’ll stop. If the Soldier takes over, asking me anything won’t do shit,” Bucky spat, and Steve’s glare hardened.

“And what if the fake memories become too convincing? What if she turns on you? She could kill you Buck.”

It wasn’t Steve’s words that made Bucky relax a little. It was the pain behind them. Steve had already seen his best friend die once. He couldn’t bare going through that again.

“She won’t Steve,” Bucky reached out, putting his hand on Steve’s shoulder. “They didn’t have her long enough, and the serum kicked in too late. They fucked up. She’s home. She can learn to control this, but not if we make her feel like a prisoner. Trust me?”

Steve released a deep breath, looking from Bucky to you and back to Bucky.

“I do trust you. Just… be careful okay?” Steve pleaded, and Bucky smiled.

“Always am. You’re the one running into a fight with just a shield buddy.”

Bucky sent Steve a teasing wink before making his way past him. Bucky could practically hear Steve rolling his eyes at him, but it had worked. Steve had loosened up and agreed to give him a chance with you. Convincing you to give him a chance, however, proved more difficult. The only one you had allowed to touch you so far was Bruce, and that was only after he had assured you that you couldn’t kill him. The other guy wouldn’t let you. So when Bucky had suggested he’d train you and help you figure out how to manage the thing they put inside you, you had looked at him like he had lost his mind. You spun around and left the room without a word, leaving Bucky just standing there looking after you. He hadn’t given up though. He had kept pushing and being present now inside the lab with you and Bruce.

“Y/N I need you to activate the serum so I can get a sample,” Bruce told you, and Bucky bit back a laugh when the stubborn expression he had become so accustomed too over the past few days suddenly wasn’t directed at him.

“First of all how do you suggest I activate it?” You glared at Bruce, and his eyes widened a bit. He clearly hadn’t seen this side of you before. Bucky suspected that few had. It was something you saved for only those closest to you. His heart swelled a bit with the realization he was one of them, even if you would barely look at him these days.

“Secondly, if it activates, you can’t touch me,” she spat. “How are you planning on getting the sample without the Hulk trashing your lab?”

“I’m not saying this second…” Bruce began, only to lower his eyes and shift slightly on his feet when you sent him a glare that made Bucky happy they hadn’t gone for a laser beam eyes sorta thing. There was no way you would have ever gotten those under control.

“I think we are done for today,” Bruce mumbled, sending Bucky his best bitchface when the super soldier failed to repress a chuckle.

“Thank you, Dr. Banner,” Bucky grinned as Bruce walked out of the room, waving Bucky off.

“So…” Bucky jumped off the table, turning his back to you as you began pulling on your pants under the hospital gown Bruce always made you wear. You smiled at his action. You could easily redress in front of him without showing anything. Still, the respect he showed you warmed your heart.

“I know you said no to sparring the past two days, but I thought I’d ask again?” Bucky spoke with his back turned. You had gotten pissed at him and ran to hide in your room until dinner the last two times he had asked. He never said anything back. He never tried to force you.

You took a deep breath, pulling your t-shirt over your head. You could see the tension forming in Bucky’s shoulders when you stayed quiet. You chewed your bottom lip as you played with the idea in your head. You weren’t ready, but you also didn’t want to keep running away from him. You liked him. A lot. If it hadn’t been for the serum, you would be dying to spend every waking moment with him.

“Why do you want me too so badly?” you asked, watching the tension drain from his body. You were speaking to him. That was a start.

“I want you to be safe Y/N,” Bucky answered truthfully. He wanted a lot more than that. He wanted to hold you again. Kiss you. He wanted you to stop running from him and let him help you, but Bucky knew better than anyone that you needed time. You needed to do this at your own pace. Just like he did.

“Safe from what?” you frowned, taking a step closer to him. “You can turn around Bucky.”

He did, and the pained look in his eyes almost knocked the wind from your lungs. You hadn’t realized how much any of this was affecting him too. You should have known. Bucky had opened up to you over the past few weeks. He had kissed you, or maybe you had kissed him. Honestly, you weren’t sure, but he hadn’t pulled away from you. He had held you.

“From HYDRA. Y/N they got to you once. We still don’t know why you,” Bucky took a step forward. The metal of his left hand gently gracing yours. “If I’m not around I need you to be able to protect yourself.”

You felt the tears press against your eyes as you looked up into the piercing blue eyes that were carefully studying your every move. It was more than clear to you that he cared. The only reason he wasn’t pulling you tightly against his chest was out of respect for your boundaries.

You looked down as you tilted your hand watching your fingers intertwined with the vibranium.

“I’m not ready to spare with you Bucky. Or anyone. Not before I…” You let your words trail out. You looked up into his eyes when he gave your hand a small squeeze. The beautiful smile on his face reached his eyes, causing your heart to skip a beat.

“That’s okay doll. Maybe we can start somewhere else?” Bucky suggested, his smile was infectious as you tenderly rolled your eyes at his stubbornness.

“Okay? With what?”

Your tone betrayed how suspicious you were, and Bucky couldn’t help but laugh at you.

“I don’t know. We could go to the shooting range, or I could teach you to handle a knife?” Bucky suggested carefully. “Either way Y/N, I might touch you. You need to be okay with that.”

His voice was as soft as his expression, causing you to tear up. You didn’t look away this time. HYDRA had stolen decades from him. They had messed you up in ways you never thought imaginable in only a few weeks. They weren’t taking this from you. Either of you.

“I’m scared I’ll hurt you too Buck,” your voice was barely above a whisper, but it was enough. He heard you, and relief washed over him. A small piece of him had been worried about you pulling away due to the fake memories, that you were struggling more than he knew, but hearing your reason, he could relax.

“Then we’ll work on that first.” Bucky smiled reassuringly. He slowly raised his right hand, tucking your hair away from your face. His fingers barely bruised over your cheek, but it was enough to send a shock of electricity through your body. You jerked back, but Bucky didn’t let go of your hand. He anticipated this would happen and held onto you.

“I’m fine Y/N,” Bucky spoke calmly. He knew this wasn’t about him. He knew what it felt like to be scared to hurt the ones you loved without meaning too.

“I’m sorry,” you stuttered, but Bucky just shook his head.

“It’s okay. Come on. Let’s just get out of the lab huh?” Bucky offered. He hated that you had jumped like that, but he knew it wasn’t about him. He knew he couldn’t show you just how much it hurt.

You nodded, never letting go of his hand as he let you to the kitchen. You were alone. It was past lunch and the others were either training or on minor missions. Bucky never left the compound these days. He never left you. The thought made you smile, which Bucky instantly caught. You were sitting by the counter watching him whip up a couple of sandwiches, and his eyes instantly found yours.

“What?” He smiled back at you as he placed the plates and sat down across from you.

“Thank you, Bucky,” you said quietly, reaching across the table to give his vibranium hand a small squeeze. For some reason, that felt safe to you. His arm was made from the strongest metal on earth. You doubted you could hurt him from that.

“For what?” Bucky looked genuinely confused.

It made your heart sore. You hated what HYDRA had turned him into. The PTSD and scars they had caused. The Winter Soldier was so far from the gentle, kind-hearted man sitting across from you. A guy that spent his life defending those that couldn’t defend themselves until he had been captured and turned into a mindless weapon. The thought made you angry, and a chill rose up your spine before you pushed down the thought.

“For being here,” you said quietly before your heart skipped a beat.

Bucky sent you the most radiant, charming smile, and it was all you could do not to fling yourself at him.

“Nowhere else I would rather be doll,” he winked.

Bucky couldn’t help but feel a little smug when he saw the dreamy look in your eyes. It had been a while… hell decades since he had last flirted with someone. He had never flirted with someone like you either; never someone that mattered. He was more than a little pleased to see he still had it.

He chuckled when you pulled back your hand, lowering your gaze. He swore for a second he saw your beautiful dark skin take on a slightly burgundy color.

Most of the meal passed in comfortable silence with the two of you sneaking glances at each other when the other wasn’t looking. Bucky loved sharing a quiet moment with you, but he also knew he needed to find a way in. So he let his mind drift to the few times where he had been himself or some resemblance of himself before being activated to become the soldier.

“I felt it,” he muttered quietly, and he instantly felt your gaze on him.

He couldn’t meet your eyes though, not while he was reliving the past he would rather forget, but knew would always be a part of who he was.

“When they said the words. When they activated the soldier. I felt it. It was like needles to my skin. Like my brain was slowly rebooting” Bucky spoke, and you’re heart clenched.

You wanted to stand up and crawl into his lap. You wanted to hold him and reassure him that whatever they had done to him and made him do wasn’t who he was. It wasn’t the man you saw and were falling in love with. But you couldn’t, and you hated it. You hated being scared that you’d one day touch someone you loved by accident and take their life. It had almost happened already, and you could never let that happen again.

Bucky looked up, his eyes finally meeting yours. “Have you ever felt anything like that?”

His question took you by surprise, and you had to take a few deep breaths before realizing where he was going with this. He wasn’t just opening up to you. He was using his own past and pain to help you find a way to live with what they had done to you. You shook your head, defeated and hopeless, but Bucky didn’t give up so easily. He reached across the table, his vibranium fingers intertwined with yours once more.

“Something else then. Any physical sensation? Anything at all?” Bucky pushed, and you closed your eyes, trying to will back the tears.

He had relieved something painful for you. The least you could do was try. Your mind went back to the night you had kissed him and the fight with Sam had happened. A tear silently escaped your eyes as you remembered your brother collapsing on the floor feet from where you were now sitting. You willed away the image and focused on how you were feeling. The anger, not just directed at Sam, but the unfairness of what had been done to you. The anger about the nightmares and how everything you had piled up over the weeks had surfaced in a burst of anger aimed at Sam. It wasn’t all you remembered though. You remembered the cold like your veins were freezing. The same icey feeling you had gotten in your room when you woke up from the nightmare earlier that night.

“Cold. Like my blood is turning into ice.”

You opened your eyes, looking straight into Bucky’s. The proud smile on his face made your lips tug upwards. This might be a small thing, but Bucky made it feel like a big deal.

He stood from his chair, pulling you with him. You gasped, trying to pull away when he stepped closer, but he wouldn’t let you. His hand stayed in yours, keeping you in place.

“Do you feel cold now Y/N?” Bucky asked softly, and you shook your head, not trusting your own voice as he smiled at you.

“I’m safe. You’re not gonna hurt me. Believe that, and trust me?” Bucky urged, slowly taking your other hand in his.

You sucked in a breath with the feeling of his skin against yours, but you did as he asked. You focused on your body and what it was telling you. There was no cold. Butterflies were swarming like crazy in your stomach, but there was no cold.

Relief washed over you, along with the need to be close to Bucky. You had been pushing it down for days out of fear, but he made you feel safe. You needed that. You needed to feel his arms around you, so you stopped thinking. You pulled your hands away from his and threw yourself at him. You wrapped your arms around his waist, the sudden force causing him to take a step backwards before his arms wrapped around you, holding you close.

You had no idea how long you had stayed like that for, but his embrace had somehow been the beginning of the courage you had so desperately needed. The next day, you had asked Tony to come to the lab along with Bucky and Bruce. Both of them knew that as much as you loved the man, there was also no one else that could push your buttons the way that he could.

You had been right. Within half an hour, Tony had managed to piss you off so badly that you had thrown a water bottle at his face, and the blood in your veins began feeling like ice. You hadn’t needed to say anything. One look at Bucky had been enough, and he had sprung into action. You still weren’t sure how you managed to keep the anger flowing through your veins as Bruce and Bucky, got the blood samples and skin graft the doctor needed from you. The only thing that ever touched your skin was the syringe and scalpel in Bucky’s vibranium hand while Bruce talked him through everything. Bucky had been the one to talk you down, reminding you to breathe as Bruce and Tony quickly made himself scared. Bruce to work and Tony to make sure you didn’t actually try and kill him.

The next few days were easier. Less time was spent in the lab, and when you did, it was more to talk with Bruce than it was to be poked and prodded. Next to Bucky, he was the one that understood the best what you were going through. You trusted him, and he was the only one you would have even considered examining you over the past few days. He didn’t see you any differently than he had in the past. You needed that. The normalcy of just being around him. Not that you didn’t love the time you spent with Bucky, because you did. It was just different. You were falling in love with him, and right now that was as scary and confusing as everything else. Still, there wasn’t a day where you didn’t spent hours in each other’s company. He started the training at the gun range with you, since that was all you felt confident doing for now.

You smiled as he brushed up against you every now and again or placed himself behind you, guiding you through how to use the different weapons with his hands resting over yours or under your arms, holding them up. You were sure the touching was part of the training and that he was trying to get you comfortable around people again, but it was more than that. The flirtatious winks and charming smiles were just about the two of you, just like the impromptu hugs you shared during the day and every night before you parted ways heading into separate rooms.

You hadn’t kissed him again since that night. Not because you didn’t want to, but because something was holding you back. It was the same something that made you refuse to come with Bucky to see your brother in the hospital when he went every afternoon. Bucky had suggested that you go with Steve in the mornings, but you had declined that offer too. Just like you had this morning, but something had shifted in you when Bucky had brought you to the gym instead of the gun range.

You didn’t say anything, You just stood there watching Bucky talk, showing you different knives. He kept assuring you that you didn’t need to do any actual training today, but since you were getting pretty damn impressive with a gun, he just wanted to start getting you familiar with something else.

“Why haven’t you asked me out?” you blurted out, making Bucky drop the knife he was holding. The tip of the blade buried itself into the floor an inch from his foot.He didn’t even notice what had almost happened. He just stared at you completely dumbfounded, making you bite your lip to keep from giggling.

“I… erhm… what?” Bucky blinked rapidly as he tried to recover, and you could no longer hold back your laughter.

“A date Buck. Why haven’t you taken me on a date?” you repeated with a grin, only adding to the flustered expression on Bucky’s face.

He nervously ran his hand through his hair, taking a step towards you, nearly tripping over the knife as he did.

“Goddammit,” he grumbled, making you laugh again, and Bucky glared at you.

“So that’s funny huh?” he groaned, but the smile in his eyes gave him away as he a lot more graceful this time made his way towards you. You bite your lip to keep from laughing, but you were still smiling so hard your cheeks hurt. You just nodded, giggling again as Bucky raised an eyebrow at you before taking your hand. His expression turned more serious as he did, but his eyes were still shining with happiness.

“I didn’t want to push you, Y/N. I wasn’t sure you wanted…” he started, but you instantly interrupted him, giving his hand a small squeeze.

“Well, you never know if you don’t ask,” you looked up at him. Your heart was beating so fast you were sure it was gonna pop out of your chest like in a damn cartoon. The huge, genuine smile on his face didn’t make it slow down either.

“Miss Wilson,” Bucky grinned, making you roll your eyes at him. “Would you do me the honor of letting me escort you to dinner tonight?”

“Wow. Just as I forget how ancient you are you say something like that,” you quipped, laughing as Bucky pulled a face at you.

“So the mouth is hereditary I see?” Bucky sassed back but regretted it the second the words were out. Your face fell, and Bucky wanted to kick himself for his own stupidity. Last time you had been really close had been the night Sam got hurt. It wasn’t exactly his smartest moment reminding you of that right now.

“Y/N I…” Bucky started before you interrupted him with a stubborn look in your eyes which was definitely genetic as well.

“I’d love to go out with you tonight Bucky,” you answered, and Bucky nodded. He wanted to be excited, but something else was coming. He knew you well enough to know when something was on your mind.

“On one condition,” you added, and Bucky took a deep breath, preparing for a scolding.

“You name it.”

You lowered your gaze, taking a deep breath. It was overdue, you reminded yourself. You knew Sam better than anyone, and you also knew the only one holding what happened over your head was you. Sam wouldn’t be angry with you.

“Take me with you to see my brother this afternoon?” You looked up into Bucky’s eyes, and his expression instantly softened, before pulling you into his warm embrace.

“Of course. He’d be happy to see you doll,” Bucky assured you as he felt you relax against him.

Bucky eventually gave up on training, excusing himself with a wink and reminding you he had a date to plan. You, on the other hand, was nervous as hell. Facing your brother and a first date with Bucky on the same day might have been taking a bigger bite than you could swallow. You were stubborn though, and there was no way you would back out of either. Especially not after seeing the look on Bucky’s face when he released you from the death grip he had called a hug.

The morning had passed, and you were walking through the halls of the hospital with your hand firmly planted in Bucky’s. You took a deep breath, paying close attention to your body temperature, as you let Bucky lead you down the halls of the hospital. Bucky gave the nurse at the front desk a friendly smile as you passed.

Sam, who was obviously feeling better, was playfully flirting with the nurse checking his vitals, asking if it was time for his sponge bath. The nurse playfully rolled her eyes at him and was just about to reply when your gagging noise and Bucky’s warm chuckle drew both their attention to the door.

“When will you stop harassing the poor nurse Birdboy?” Bucky grinned at Sam whose eyes widen in surprise when he saw you with Bucky. His face split into a wide grin, promptly ignoring Bucky’s remark.

“Y/N. He got you to come!”

The nurse excused herself, giving Sam’s shoulder a squeeze, and you slowly let go of Bucky’s hand, approaching your brother’s bedside.

“Hi Sammy. How are you feeling?” you asked carefully, relieved to see he him sitting up and cracking jokes. It didn’t remove the nagging guilt that he had been in the hospital for a week because of you.

“I would do a hell of a lot better if I got a hug.”

Sam raised an eyebrow at you, but you froze. Logically, you knew you wouldn’t hurt him. You’d been in close proximity to multiple people, but Sam was different. The last time you had put your hands on him he had almost died. Bucky sensed your discomfort and stepped in front of you, leaning down to pretend to go for a hug.

“Alright. But no sponge baths,” Bucky joked, making Sam instantly give him a shove with a look of disgust on his face.

“Get off me, Tinman,” he grumbled, but there was no real anger or malice in his eyes.

Whatever anger he had directed at Bucky the night he got hurt was long gone, and their playful banter and clear respect for one another was back. You couldn’t help but laugh at the two morons, before leaning down to hug your big brother.

You relaxed into his embrace, not noticing Sam mouthing a thank you to Bucky over your shoulder or the nod and smile he got in return.

You spent the next two hours in Sam’s room listening to the men playfully bicker, and you took turns siding with each of them. It felt good to be around both the people you loved. At one point, Bucky excused himself for a bathroom break, though you really suspected it was more to give you and Sam a moment alone together. You had taken the opportunity to apologize even if Sam was having none if it. He assured you it was an accident, and he was being an asshole anyway. The last comment made you fess up to the date you and Bucky were going on tonight, and the bright smile on Sam’s face was more than a little surprising to you. You didn’t get a chance to ask him about it since Bucky returned with a nurse in tow. It was time for Sam’s physical therapy, and the two of you said your goodbyes.

Back at the compound, you were greeted by Natasha, who let you know she was there to help you pick an outfit for your big night. You sent Bucky a questioning look. He just rolled his eyes, mumbling something about Steve always having had a big mouth before he kissed your cheek and disappeared into his room.

His kiss left a burning mark and even Nat making fun of you for acting like a lovestruck teenager couldn’t remove the dreamy grin from your face or keep the butterflies in your stomach from going nuts. You had no idea where Bucky was taking you, so you ended up actually praising your lucky stars for Nat being there to give you advice.

You both ended up agreeing that Bucky wasn’t the dinner at a fancy restaurant type, and since he most likely would be bringing you where ever you were going riding on the back of his bike, you decided on no dresses. Instead, you opted for a pair of well fitted black jeans and a red shirt that showed off your curves while revealing your shoulders. It was sexy without being over the top.

Nat had to physically prevent from running into your closet to change again after spending the better part of two hours wrangling your hair into submission and putting on some make-up. You had no idea why you were this nervous. It was just Bucky. Aside from the fact it wasn’t just Bucky. It was Bucky. The man that had made you swoon with the smallest of smiles for the better part of two years. He was the man that had made you feel at home and comfortable at the crowded Stark parties that you hated. He had been there for you when you needed someone the most. He understood you and saw you. You had fallen head over heels in love with him, and tonight was like a dream come true.

Your heart stilled in your chest when a knock sounded on your door, and Nat sent you her trademark smirk before opening it. You barely noticed her excusing herself from the room or giving Bucky a pat on the shoulder as she left.

“She’s all yours big boy.”

Your eyes never left him as he stood before you in dark jeans and a blue shirt. His hair was combed back, for once not falling into his face. As gorgeous as he was, that wasn’t what made your heart skip. It was the way he looked at you. There was so much adoration in his eyes, you almost shed a tear. You’d never in your life had someone look at you the way he did just then.

Bucky couldn’t take his eyes off you. You had always been the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, but tonight you took his breath away. He took a deep breath, sending you a smile before offering you his hand.

“You look amazing, Y/N,” Bucky spoke quietly as you took his hand. You beamed up at him, giving it a small squeeze.

“You don’t look half bad yourself Buck.” You winked at him, enjoying the way he blushed slightly and looked at the floor as he led you outside to his bike.

“Where are we going?” you asked curiously as you took the helmet from his hands, but Bucky just sent you that charming, shit-eating grin that always made it hard for you to breath even.

“It’s a surprise,” Bucky answered. Offering you his hand, he helped you climb onto the back of his bike. You smiled softly as he made sure you were comfortable and ready before he took off. Honestly, had the date just been riding around with him like this, enjoying the cool evening air with your arms around his waist and pressed against his back, it would have been fine with you. You were quickly starting to realize that simple rides with him like this would become one of your favorite things in the world.

You sent Bucky an inquisitive look when he pulled up onto a small empty parking lot by the beach. It was far away from everyone and everything, but you didn’t ask. You trusted him as you placed your hand back in his and gave it a small squeeze. Bucky was the one who seemed nervous now, while the ride had done wonders calming your nerves. You were with Bucky and no matter what else the evening had to offer, that simple fact would make it perfect.

“It’s just a small walk,” Bucky explained, smiling when you leaned against his arm, closing both your hands around his.

“I had some help from Steve and Clint,” Bucky revealed as you rounded a corner on the beach and a canopy came into view. There was a table in the middle with a picnic basket on top and lights were hanging from the sides.

You stopped dead in your tracks at the sight, blinking twice as you took it all in. Then you threw your head back in laughter. It was so incredibly sweet and just out of a Hallmark movie. You didn’t look up at him as you spoke, had you then you wouldn’t have gone with the joke.  **“Our first date is a picnic on the beach under the stars? Have you swallowed a romance novel? Do I need to call a doctor?”**

“ **You weren’t supposed to laugh** ,” Bucky muttered just loud enough for you to hear, and you instantly stopped, turning to face him. You felt horrible. He looked like a puppy that had just been kicked, not knowing what it had done wrong. He wouldn’t even look at you, and you hated yourself for reacting the way you had. As hard as all of this was for you, it was just as difficult for him. To the best of your knowledge, Bucky hadn’t seen anyone since Steve had brought him back from Romania. He had spent the past few years adjusting to life and figuring out who he was.

“Oh Bucky. No.” You stepped in front of him. “I was being stupid. I didn’t know how to react so I…” You reached your free hand up to cup his cheek. “Look at me please,” you pleaded, and he finally did. The pain in his eyes almost brought the tears out in yours.

“Bucky no one has ever done anything like this for me before. I love it. I’m sorry. I was being an idiot,” you promised him. A flicker of doubt went through his eyes, and he swallowed hard.

“You’re sure? We can go somewhere else? A movie? Anywhere you’d like,” Bucky rambled, making you smile. You stood on your toes, kissing his cheek, and he finally went quiet, looking into your eyes.

“I’m sure. I love it. Let’s go eat.” You squeezed his hand, smiling, and Bucky seemed to relax, smiling back at you.

“Okay,” he grinned, leading you towards the canopy.

You lost track of time as you sat with him under the stars. Eating and sharing stories of your life, making jokes at the expense of both Sam and Steve, which you knew they were going to hate you for later, but you didn’t care. For tonight you were just you again, and Bucky was just Bucky. Charming and relaxed as he took off his jacket wrapping it around your shoulders. You sat down on the beach to watch the stars, leaning your head against his arm, and Bucky looked down at you with a smile.

The night was perfect. Bucky Barnes was perfect, and so was the kiss he tenderly pressed to your lips as a shooting star passed over your heads. In that moment, you felt as if everything was going to be okay. Bucky was your home and your anchor. No matter what the world or HYDRA would throw at you in the future, you would be okay. As long as you had Bucky, there was nothing you couldn’t do.


	4. Free Fall

You knew that the thing between you and Bucky should be confusing. The logical part of your brain knew that starting a relationship while still trying to get a handle on your new powers was stupid. Hell, you doubted your own mind at times when waking up from the endless nightmares. You, however, never doubted your heart. Everytime the fake memories surfaced, the very real ones of Bucky overwrote them.

What HYDRA had shaped and molded him into for decades was not who he was. You knew neither Bucky or Steve would do anything to cause you harm. They would both give their lives before hurting another member of the team. Still, that didn’t stop you from waking up screaming every night when the fake memories invaded your dreams.

After your date, you and Bucky had decided to take it slow, so running into his room in the middle of the night wasn’t really an option. You knew he wouldn’t mind, but you also saw him struggling. For years and years all Bucky had known was pain. For the years you had known him, you had seen how he struggled to adapt to being around people. There was no doubt in your mind that Bucky cared for you, but being in a relationship was a big step for him. You wanted to give him the same space and time he so patiently continued to offer you too. So instead of running to his room, you went to the gym. You spent hours every night beating the crap out of punching bags, pretending they were HYDRA agents.

You had never been the kind to hate. You were forgiving by nature and quick to overlook flaws in the people around you if you knew they had a good heart. You were friends with Tony after all.

HYDRA you hated. Not only for what they had done to you but Bucky too. You hated them, and you wanted revenge for everything. Only, you couldn’t tell anyone that, so instead you trained. When you were so tired you could barely keep your eyes open, you headed back to your room to get a few hours of sleep before the commotion of the Avengers starting their daily routines woke you up.

You always looked like a zombie when you walked into the kitchen. You ignored Clint and Tony’s quips as you steered right for the cup of coffee the metal hand handed to you.

Today, like every other morning, you didn’t say anything. You just took the coffee and breathed in the scent before gulping down the hot brown liquid, letting it slowly reboot your systems. it reached your bloodstream after a few gulps, and you started feeling slightly more human. You looked up to see Bucky smiling down at you. The twinkle in his blue eyes made it hard to be mad at the teasing expression on his face, so you just pulled a face at him before smiling back.

“Morning,” you mumbled, before grabbing a strawberry of the tray in front of you and flinging it at Tony.

“It speaks” he quipped, before ducking the flying berry with a shit eating grin on his face, causing it to hit Steve in the face instead.

“HEY!” Steve looked up from his breakfast, just as Bucky doubled over laughing at his best friend’s misfortune.

“I expected more from you, Miss Wilson,” Steve groaned, not really fooling anyone. As annoyed as he was by getting hit by projectile fruit, he was just happy to see you doing better. That, and you made Bucky happy, so it was hard for him to be truly mad at you.  

“You expect to much at 7am in the morning Cap.” You couldn’t help but grin as you walked up to him to whip his face with a napkin. “There you go. Good as new,” you mocked, laughing when Steve sent you a playful glare, and the room erupted into laughter.

“Okay,” Steve shook his head, hiding a small smile. Everything seemed to be getting back to normal or even better than it was before in some ways. He shot Bucky a glance, and his smile widened as he saw the way his friend’s gaze never left you. It had been a long time since Steve had seen him like this. It was like he was becoming more and more like the cheeky, carefree Bucky he had grown up with in Brooklyn decades ago. Steve knew that Bucky wasn’t that guy anymore, but it made him happy to see that a part of who he had been was still in there somewhere.

“Clint and Nat are going on a recon mission today. Tony has a meeting with the Secretary of Defense as far as I know.” Steve looked to Tony who nodded. The times of being on opposite sides against the meddling politicians was long past. Tony and Steve had represented a united front for years now, making it all the more difficult for the government to intervene in the way they ran their team of misfits, as Tony so lovingly had dopt them. “And Y/N, Dr. Banner has requested your presence in the lab this morning, but I can talk to him about rescheduling if you’d rather join Bucky and I…”

“No that’s fine,” you gave Steve’s arm a squeeze, sending Bucky a warm smile across the table. “You two have fun picking up my annoying brother, and I’ll see you all when you get back.”

“Sam’s coming home today?” Nat looked up with a smile. Even if she’d never admit it she liked when everyone was under the same roof. Of course they still weren’t. Wanda and Vision were off on a mission of their own and taking their sweet time with it. You couldn’t really blame them. If Steve ever trusted you enough to go off alone with Bucky, you’d probably do your best to stale going back too. T’Challa had a country to run, and Rhodey was holding down the fort at the Tower along with Pepper until Tony returned. Thor was not on earth as he was still helping Valkyrie and the rest of his people settle in on a new planet. Them all being here was rare, but Sam hardly ever left the compound unless he was on a mission. So the weeks without him had been weird for all of you.

“Unfortunately,” Bucky groaned, not fooling anyone but causing another burst of laughter around the table anyway.

“Yeah get used to looking over your shoulder for his pet bird,” Clint grinned, “or stop making out with his sister. Umpf!” Clint’s smirk turned into a grimace as a solid kick from you landed against his shin.

“Alright,” Steve laughed. “We better get moving before Y/N decides to kick all our asses.” He sent you a wink as he passed you, and your frown disappeared with the sun. As much as you were falling in love with Bucky, you really admired Steve. He was like a second big brother to you, and his approval meant the world.

You started clearing the table as the Avengers got on their feet to go about their day. The only one not moving was Bucky. He who always hung back with you, mostly because he joining you it was training, working with Bruce in the lab, or to visit Sam. Today he wasn’t joining you however, and it felt weird to him. He hadn’t realized that staying by your side during the day wasn’t just for you. It was for his own peace of mind too. HYDRA had gotten to you once, and there was no telling if or when they would try again. If he was across town when it happened, there was no way he was going to be able to protect you from them. He had sworn to himself that no matter what happened they were never getting to you again. Not as long as he was breathing and able to prevent it.

“Hey.” Bucky gently wrapped his hand around your arm, stopping your movements when the room was empty except for the two of you. “You’re sure you don’t want to come along to pick up Sam today?”

You stopped and turned to look up at him. You weren’t sure what was going on in that head of his, but you could practically hear the wheels turning.

“No it’s fine. If Bruce found something I’d rather know now than worry about it all day,” you answered truthfully, and Bucky nodded.

“I can stay if you want me to…” he started, and you smiled, wrapping your arms around his neck. Your fingers ran soothingly through his hair, and he closed his eyes allowing himself to feel your gentle touch as his hands came to rest on your hips.

“What’s going on with you Buck?” you asked quietly when he reopened his eyes. You could see the conflict in him when he shook his head. You wanted to ask, but you knew better than to push him. Bucky had opened up to you more than anyone. With the exception of Steve maybe. You didn’t want to jeopardize any of that by pushing him into speaking when he wasn’t ready.

“I’m doing a lot better you know?” you tried to calm him, but you were really just grasping and straws. Judging by the slightly sad smile he gave you, you hadn’t hit the nail on the head either.

“I know,” he answered before reaching up to tug a wayward curl away from your face. “I know you have.”

“Good,” a small smile tugged at your lips. “I still haven’t gotten my good morning kiss though.” A wave of relief washed over you as a more playful expression appeared on Bucky’s face.

“I got you coffee. Who knew you’d be such a demanding girlfriend,” Bucky teased, and you made a face as him as you started pulling away.

“Fine have it your way Sergeant,” you grumpled before a squeal erupted from your lungs, and you crashed back against his chest. His super soldier reflexes would never stop surprising you, and you laughed as he ducked down, his hot breath sending a shiver up your spine as he whispered against your lips.

“Oh I will Miss Wilson.”

Your giggle was swallowed by his kiss, and you allowed yourself to melt into him completely. It would never seize to amaze you how much he had come to feel like home to you in just a few short weeks. When Bucky kissed you everything else melted away, and nothing else in the world mattered but the two of you. Sadly, the world or Steve hadn’t gotten the memo.

“Bucky! Let’s go!” Steve’s voice sounded from down the hallway, making Bucky groan as his head fell to your shoulder. You couldn’t help but giggle a little as you lovingly ran your fingers through his long hair.

“Was he always this bossy?” you grinned, and you felt Bucky smile against your skin.

“Yep. Always been annoying too,” Bucky smirked, pressing his lips to yours in a soft kiss when Steve hollered again.

“I better go before he blows a fuse,” Bucky reluctantly backed up. “Call me if you need anything.”

You smiled letting your hands run down the length of his arms, meeting with his hands. Your eyes locked as your fingers intertwined for a brief moment, and Bucky smiled at you, genuine and happy, causing your heart to skip a beat as you smiled back at him.

“Go. I’ll be fine,” you laughed when Steve yelled again, and Bucky groaned, giving you a small nod before turning around and leaving you behind.

The compound was quiet as you walked down the hall towards the lab. For some reason you liked that. The place had come to feel like home over the past few weeks. Before your capture it had been a place of work to you. The Avengers had mainly been your co workers and people you admired. Now they were so much more. They were your friends and family. Even with everything else that was going on with you, you took solace in that. This place was safe. It was home.

You turned a corner and the lab came into view. You smiled seeing Dr. Banner sitting on the floor in a lotus position. He had become more than your doctor these past few weeks. He had become your friend. Next to Bucky he was the one that understood all you were going through the best.

You didn’t speak. You just sat down next to him, taking the same position. It hadn’t been all science these past few weeks. Bruce had been teaching you to calm your mind. To find peace within yourself even when the world around you was going crazy. With his help you know felt comfortable being around other people again. Off course Bucky’s subtle training had helped too. His love and belief in you meant more to you than he would ever know, but Bruce had managed to give you concrete tools to keep the serum in check.

You sat next to each other with your eyes closed. You let childhood memories, playful banter with your brother, and moments between you and Bucky fill your mind, and peace washed over you. You were in control of your own mind, and the knowledge filled you with confidence, which still lingered when Bruce offered you a hand off the floor moments later.

“Sergeant Barnes won’t be joining us today?” Bruce asked, looking out into the hallway.

“No why? You wanted him to poke me with more needles or something?” You grinned, but the look on Bruce’s face made it fade fast, and a more serious expression took its place.

“Actually results of the serum came back. I ran it a few times just to be sure. I know what it does now.” Bruce sat down by his microscope, looking up at you. “I thought having him here might be helpful to you.”

“Well he’s not here. Just tell me Bruce.” You felt the unease start to creep into your mind, but Bruce simply smiled at you, reminding you to breathe. You closed your eyes for a second, bringing back your happy memories before reopening them, giving Bruce a desissive nod.

“Okay. Take a look at this.” Bruce pushed his chair to the side giving you room to look into the microscope. Bruce leaned in, putting a drop of something next to what was already there. You stepped back with a gasp as the cells starting attacking the others.

“It’s killing them.” You fought your tears, but Bruce just shook his head.

“I know it looks like that, but it’s not. It’s stealing,” Bruce explained calmly. “Not permanently either. I used different samples. The serum allows you to borrow powers or lifeforce from the people around you. Prolonged exposure could kill them sure, but not if you learn to control it.”

You sighed, falling down into one of the chairs, hiding your face in your hands. Bruce might not think this was too bad, but he had also learned to live with a green rage monster trapped inside of him for years. This was scary to you. You had no idea where to begin to learn to take full control of something like that.

“How?” you muttered, looking back up at him, not at all reassured to see the doctor shrugging.

“One step at the time. Now we know what it is at least,” he started, making you glare at him.

“Easy for you to say…” you began just as the emergency alarms went off. You froze as Bruce jumped to his feet.

“Friday! What’s going on?” Bruce called out into the room, and Starks intelligence system instantly responded.

“Agent Romanoff and agent Barton requested back-up. Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes request your presence at the second quinjet. Rhodey and Stark are airborne in 2 and 5 minutes.”

You didn’t hesitate to follow Dr. Banner, who ran down the hallway towards the hangar. Steve’s car pulled in with brakes screeching just as you and Dr. Banner made it to the jet.

“What’s going on?!” you demanded, looking from one super soldier to the other as Bruce quickly disappeared into the back of the jet. Bucky didn’t look at you. He just started grabbing guns, suits, and ammo along with Steve, who at least had the decency to speak to you.

“Nat and Clint took fire. We had a tip on a dormant HYDRA cell in Siberia. Turns out it wasn’t dormant,” Steve explained, throwing a few bags to Bucky before he ducked into the jet, taking the wheel.

“Y/N, you need to go pick up Sam. We’ll be back tonight,” Steve ordered, but you just glared at him. You couldn’t believe your friends had kept this from you. This was as personal to you as it was to Bucky and Steve, and they had kept it from you.

Your eyes flickered to the man in the cockpit, but Bucky refused to met your gaze which only added to your anger. Your hands balled at your sides, and you turned your lightening gaze towards Steve instead.

“The hell I am. I’m coming with you,” you hissed at Steve. His face darkened, and he stood up a little straighter. He wasn’t your boyfriends best friend or bonus big brother right now. He was your Captain. Any other day you would have crumpled under the look he gave you. You had seen others do so before, but the stern look had never been aimed at you before. Not that it mattered at the moment. You were too worked up to care.

“You’re not trained for this Agent Wilson. You’ll pick up Sam, and we’ll stay in touch,” Steve’s face softened a bit as he placed a reassuring hand on your shoulder. “He’ll be back tonight. I promise.”

You didn’t listen. Not really. You knew there was no way in hell Steve was letting you on that jet, and it would be stupid of you to even try. Instead, you stayed in the hangar, staring at Bucky as you watched Steve take a seat next to him as he began pulling out the aircraft.

You couldn’t believe he had kept something like this from you, or that he wouldn’t even look at you now. You felt the tears press against your eyes as you watched the quinjet pull down the runway and take off. You wanted to hate him, but you couldn’t. You knew that, even through the nauseating feeling of betrayal, he was trying to protect you. The anger rushing through you like ice wasn’t directed at Bucky. It wasn’t directed at Steve or any of your friends.

You wanted the men that did this to you to pay. You hated them for everything they stood for. It was blinding and all consuming. You despised them for what they had turned you into and what they had forced Bucky to become for decades before Steve found him. You didn’t think clearly as you rushed through the hangar, picking your brothers wings off the wall. You had seen him train and proudly listened to him speak of the mechanics behind them. You had never used them. He would never let you, and he would kill you if he knew what you were about to do. So would Steve and Bucky, or Nat for that matter. None of that stopped you as you strapped on the wings, closing your eyes before taking off.

Your lift off was more than a little wonky, and controlling these things was much harder than you had anticipated. Sam made it look so easy, which it far from, but your anger kept you from admitting how stupid of an idea this was, and you decided a few thousand miles gave you enough time to learn.

***

Bucky hadn’t meant to keep this from you. It was just supposed to be a recon mission, but he knew you would have wanted to go if he had told you. You weren’t supposed to find out like this. He would have shared anything Nat and Clint would have found with you. He had made a mistake and now you hated him for it.

If the keeping secrets hadn’t done the trick, Bucky was sure the way he had just behaved had. He couldn’t take your side this time and he hadn’t been man enough to confront you himself. He had let Steve give the order instead. At least you were safe. Even if you were never speaking to him again; you were safe.

“You did the right thing,” Steve’s voice sounded, breaking Bucky free of his thoughts. “She’s not ready.”

“I know that,” Bucky grumbled, “but I didn’t do the right thing. I should have been honest with her. I should have…”

Bucky clenched his jaw, letting his words trail out. He couldn’t do this now. He needed to focus on the mission. You were home safe. That was the most important thing Bucky told himself again and over and over as he headed for the Siberian mountains.

“Let’s just focus on the mission. Where are they stuck?” Bucky asked, ignoring Steve’s frown. As angry as he was with HYDRA and wanted to see the organisation burn to the ground, this was a rescue mission. Clint and Nat’s jet had been shoot down, and Clint was wounded. Nat had managed to get them both to a safe hiding place, but Bucky knew these people. They weren’t going to give up, and every moment was going to count.

“Do you think you can put us down here?” Steve pulled up a map in the screen of the control panel.

Bucky frowned. It was going to be a tight fit, but Steve was right. The mountains on each side provided the best safety and would give Tony and Rhodey the best chance to provide them safe aircover.

“I’ll manage. Nat and Clint are up there?” Bucky pointed to the cave 50 feet above the landing zone.

“Yep. Hope you’re ready to climb.” Steve gave Bucky a friendly pat on the shoulder before heading into the back of the plane to go over the plan with Bruce. Bucky knew Banner was there as a doctor, but Steve would also ask him to prepare to let out the Hulk should the situation worsen.

Bucky took a deep breath, focusing on the sky. His mind went calm and still. He wasn’t the brainwashed soldier HYDRA had turned him into any longer, but a small part of the mentality lingered. Bucky shut out the rest of the world, pushing down his emotions and the memories of you. His mind went blank, and he was laser focused on the task at hand, raising his hand to greet Tony and Rhodey as they flanked the jet. Everything else would have to wait. The mission was what mattered now.

Bucky managed to land the jet on stealth mode while Rhodey and Tony drew fire away from them. Small robots were swarming overhead, keeping Tony and Rhodey busy as Steve and Bucky climbed to the cave. A few of the robots dove down while Steve and Nate were lovering Clint to safety, but Bucky managed to shoot them down pretty easily. Everything was going according to Steve’s plan right up until three HYDRA jets appeared out of nowhere.

Steve was in the process of lowering down Nat when they appeared, and he would have been hit had Bucky and Tony not responded equally fast. Bucky ducked and rolled, grabbing Steve’s sheild, providing them both with cover just as Tony appeared before them, answering fire.

As soon as Nat was safely on the ground, Steve was on his feet and looking to the sky.

“There are too many of them,” Steve yelled to Bucky who was still firing into the air, shooting down the flying robots before they ever reached him or Steve. The few he missed got taken out by Steve’s shield.

“You need to get down and get that jet into the air!” Steve yelled to Bucky, who just shot him an annoyed glare in return. How many times would Steve have to try and force Bucky to leave him behind, before he realized that was never going to happen.

“Not without you,” Bucky yelled back before aiming back at the sky. The robots were almost all down, so if he could just take down one of those damn jets he could even the playing field for Tony and Rhodey.

Bucky’s jaw dropped along with his weapon when he saw the figure appear in the sky, circling around one of the jets before firing at the window.

“Sam?!” Steve yelled into the intercom, ready to tear him a new one. He was nowhere near cleared for combat.

“That’s not Sam,” Bucky growled at Steve before pushing his own intercom.

“Y/N! Have you lost your goddamn mind! Get down from there now!” Bucky yelled. He didn’t care if you were never speaking to him after this. He had never felt as terrified as he did the moment you appeared in his vision. He should have taken your side against Steve. He should have brought you along. At least that way he could protect you. Up there you were a hovering target. Sam had taken his fair share of hits, and he knew what he was doing. You weren’t trained for this.

“No,” your voice sounded over the intercom.

“Y/N. Get to the jet. That’s an order,” Steve’s voice sounded before Bucky could yell at you again.

“Tony, I’ll draw him up. Give you a clear line of fire!” Her voice sounded seconds before she rose into the sky with one of the jets right on her tail.

“Tony!” Bucky half gasped as he shoot down the remaining two robots that had been on Stark’s ass.

“I got her!” Tony’s voice sounded as he followed her into the sky. Bucky had never felt as helpless as he did watching Tony shoot down the HYDRA jet, ducking out of the path of the burning aircrafts debris. His maneuver meant he didn’t see the jet coming in from the side in time.

Bucky called out your name as he foresaw the gunfire. You reacted to his warning but were nowhere near fast enough, and smoke appeared from your wing as you began spiraling towards the clift between the mountains.

“Tony! Rhodey!” Steve called into the intercom. The desperation in his voice was evident, but Bucky knew the answer before Steve received it.

“I can’t shake this one,” Rhodey answered seconds before Tony’s string of curses as he failed getting past the bastard that had just clipped your wing.

Bucky knew what he had to do. He tossed  his weapon to the side, ignoring Steve yelling at him to stop. His eyes were fixated on you falling from the sky as he ran towards the cliff, jumping off the side of the mountain, crashing his body into yours, intercepting your fall as you plumped towards the sharp rocks together.


	5. Catch Me

Your breathing quickened and your skin prickled as panic rose inside you, and you felt yourself lose control of the wings. You hadn’t been fast enough to move out of the way of the incoming missile. It had missed your body but clipped your wing. You had no steering and were losing height fast as you fought to at least regain some control of the wings. 

All your anger was long gone. The only thing left was fear and regret. You knew that you had made a mistake. You didn’t want to die, but that wasn’t all there was too it. You knew how much Riley’s death had impacted your brother, and still you hadn’t given him one thought as you stole his wings. You hadn’t given all the pain and loss Bucky had already been through any weight in your anger. All you had thought about was your own revenge for what you had been put through. You had been selfless and careless. Now you were going to pay for that, but so were your friends and family. 

Tears started to press against your eyes as you realized there was no way you were going to land safely. It wasn’t a fear of death a s much as the regret that you’d never see the people you loved again. You saw the happy sparks in Bucky’s eyes as you remembered your morning in the kitchen. Your stupidity was going to rob him of that. You hadn’t trusted him or Steve, and now neither of you would get the chance together that he so deserved. You thought about Sam and how much the two of you meant to each other. You were all each other had. He would be alone without giving him the chance to say goodbye to you. 

You had all but given up hope when the impact of Bucky’s body flung your both towards the far side of the mountain. 

“Hold onto me!” Bucky yelled. His right arm firmly wrapped around your waist as he used his left to try and get a hold of the steep mountain side you were now banging into. 

You clung to him in fear for both of your lives as Bucky screamed out his effort and pain. His metal arm and side dragged against the rocks for what felt like hours, sparks from the metal heating and being torn apart by the sharp rocks digging into it, flew around you. Ýour heart pounded, and your fingers dug into his shoulder and back. Had he been any other man, your iron grip would no doubt have left a mark, but you didn’t even notice how tightly you were holding onto him. All you could think about was how anything that would happen to either of you would be your fault. You didn’t want to die. You didn’t want Bucky to die. 

Bucky held you tightly against him as he fought to get a hold of the wall. Every foot the two of you feel the sharp rocks dug into his side and arm, tearing him apart, but Bucky didn’t care about the pain. All he cared about was keeping you safe and getting you out if this alive. Finally he managed to get a hold of a crevice in the side of the mountain, effectively stopping your fall. 

Had you not been so damn scared you would have been pissed at him for what he had done. This was your mistake, and if you were dying that would be on you too. You didn’t want Bucky to get hurt just because you had refused to listen to Steve’s orders. 

“Stark!” Bucky called out, realizing he wasn’t able to hold the both of you for long. He’s arm was severely damaged by the multiple impacts to the mountain, and he felt the pain shooting through his body, not only from the nerve endings of his shoulder that allowed feeling in the metal, but from his side as well. He had taken a beating. It wasn’t anything worse than he had been through before, but it was enough. His strength were veining and his grip slipping slowly. 

“Give me a few minutes!” Tony called over the intercom, but you could tell Bucky didn’t have a few minutes. He was doing his best to keep it in, just like he always did, but he was in pain and struggling. 

“Bucky…” you tried. Your voice were trembling, and you honestly weren’t sure if you were going to scold him or plead with him to hang on. 

His eyes met yours, and if he was angry with you he didn’t show it. All you saw was the same fear you flet reflected in his eyes. His eyes were the only part of him that showed how he felt. He stayed calm as he forced a smile at you. He opened his mouth to speak, but he didn’t get the chance too as his grasp on the wall slipped, causing the two of you fell a few feet. Your scream drowned out Steve yelling at Tony to hurry the hell up from the top of the mountain before Bucky managed to get a hold again. 

Bucky groaned in pain as he did, and the tears pooled in your eyes once more, but you couldn’t allow yourself to panic right now. You had gotten the two of you into this mess. You needed to think and help get you out of it. You looked around before spotting a crack in the rocks just to your right, and an idea formed in your head. 

“Bucky can you hold us up if I move?” you asked looking back at him, seeing the confusion on his face. “You can’t hold us alone much longer, but if I could wedge the wing in there,” you tipped your head towards the mountain side. 

Bucky’s eyes followed the direction you motioned, clenching his jaw. This was going to hurt like hell, but he knew you were right. The only thing was you moving wouldn’t create enough force. They were going to have to swing you in there and they probably only got one try of it. 

“You need to listen to me sweetheart,” Bucky caught your eyes, giving you a stern look. He knew you didn’t like taking orders from anyone. Honestly he hated giving them just as much, but for this to work they needed to work together. “We need to create enough force that the wing will actually go in there and hold.”

You nodded. You knew Bucky knew what he was talking about, but you still hated what he was suggesting. Flinging you in there was going to hurt him. The look on his face however, didn’t leave any room for argument so you didn’t object. You listened carefully as he guided you to place your knee, foot, and hand against the wall while he placed his own foot flat against the mountain next to you.

“You ready?” He asked, and you shook your head. 

“No. But let’s do this,” you answered, not noticing the pride flicker in Bucky’s eyes before he started counting to three. The two of you pushed yourself harshly off the rock and twisting your body’s back against it. The impact of the wall made you both yell out in pain as Bucky’s hand momentarily slipped from it’s hold on the mountain. The wing however was firmly stuck in the crevice now, and neither of you let go of each other. You managed to hold him up for the few seconds while Bucky regained his hold of the mountainside. 

You buried your face against Bucky’s chest; exhausted and emotionally drained, knowing you were both safe now. The others were coming, and the wing and Bucky were able to hold you up for however many minutes that would take. 

Bucky didn’t speak. He just held you, more than relieved that you were safe in his arms. He could have lost you, but he couldn’t allow himself to think about that right now. Not until the two of you were back on the jet. Right now he just took solace in the fact you were alive. 

It didn’t take long before Tony flew over your heads, dropping Steve off on the mountain side above you. Seconds later Tony was hovering before you, calmly telling you what was going to happen. 

Steve rappelled down next to you, securing Bucky before Tony ordered you to free yourself from the wings. He lifted you off the mountain, flying you back to the quinjet where Nat and Clint were now at the wheel, and Bruce was waiting for the two of you. He instantly ordered you to lie down as he started taking your vitals. You didn’t however. Not before Tony and Rhodey returned, dropping Bucky and Steve off just outside the jet. As soon as they were aboard Rhodey and Tony took off again, flanking you in case other hostiles appeared from out of nowhere once more. 

Bucky slumped down in his usual seat, ignoring Bruce’s orders to lie down. Actually he was ignoring everyone including you, causing your heart to clench in your chest. He had been the only good thing in your life since HYDRA had captured you. Your only constant and the only one that had been able help you decipher what was real from what they put in your head. Now you had destroyed everything the two of you had been building. You had been angry and reckless, almost getting the two of you killed. 

You hadn’t noticed the angry bull look on Steve’s face as he boarded the jet. Nor had you paid attention to the orders he had barked at Nat and Clint. Truthfully you didn’t even notice what IVs Bruce were attaching to your arm. You only had eyes for Bucky, who stared blankly out into the air. You wanted to speak to him, apologize and make things right. You might have had Steve not called your attention before you had gotten the chance to collect yourself enough to speak. 

“Y/N,” his voice were calm and collected even if his eyes showed the emotions raging inside him. He looked angry, but more than that, he looked disappointed. 

“What happened today can never happen again, do you understand me? If you’re ever going to be a part of this team you are going to need to learn to trust us. Just like we have to be able to trust you. After today that’s going to be very hard,” Steve lectured.

You’re eyes fell to the floor, trying to hide your tears. He was right. Of course he was. One of the most annoying things about Steven Rogers was that he was always right. 

“I’m sorry Captain Rogers,” you answered, hoping the use of his title would make him see that you meant it. If you didn’t feel bad already, his speech sure as hell made you feel as a disappointment and a failure, even if you knew it wasn’t his real intention. 

You weren’t officially part of the team yet, but you had still worked for him and Tony for years. You respected both of them immensely, but had always looked up to Steve. His moral compass was always true, and he was never afraid to stand up for what he believed in. You had never wanted to let him down, and you most certainly didn’t want him to be disappointed in you. 

You looked up to meet Steve’s, eyes and his expression softened when he saw yours. You knew this wasn’t over, and you were going to have to prove yourself to him once more, but at least he nodded.

“Alright. Let’s get you two home to get looked at,” Steve spoke before turning his attention to Bucky. Steve knelt down in front of him speaking in a low, soft voice. You weren’t sure what he was saying, but whatever it was had worked. Bucky moved to lie down, allowing Bruce to take a look at him, and you lied back, closing your eyes, wishing you could take back the events of the day. 

Bucky still hadn’t said a word when you landed. Not because he was angry with you. He wasn’t. Not really. He understood your anger and how you had reacted better than anyone. The first few missions he had been on after he joined the Avengers hadn’t been a lot better. It had taken time for him to not let the anger and hatred blind him whenever HYDRA had been involved. It had taken him a long time to get the small part of him that still resembled the Soldier he had been forced to become completely under control. Luckily you didn’t carry that burden, but they still took something from you. They still forced you to become something you’d never chosen to become yourself. Bucky understood, but that didn’t mean your actions hadn’t terrified him. He wasn’t sure how to be around you right now. Missions always took their toll on him, but this was something else. Something worse. 

He didn’t speak. Not until he spotted the foreign looking jet in the hangr, and he spun around so fast he groaned in pain and made you jerk from his reaction. His eyes weren't nailed on you though. Tony, who had just landed, was the object of his annoyance. 

“You called her?” he grumbled, causing Tony to shrug. 

“Someone needed to fix that thing,” he motioned towards Bucky’s arm, “and I am due back in Washington as soon as I get changed into a three piece.”

Bucky didn’t get a chance to snap back at Tony before Shuri’s voice sounded through the hangar, and he froze. He loved the girl like a sister. She had done more for him than anyone, maybe aside from Steve and Sam, but he also knew with her around he wouldn’t get the chance to sulk and process what had happened in peace. 

“You broke my arm! How in the hell did you managed to break it!” she scolded, as she rapidly approached him. You had never met the young woman, but you knew who she was in an instant. Your brother along with Steve, Bucky and a few others had taken refuge in Wakanda before the war. By how she was dressed and spoke it wasn’t hard to guess she was Princess Shuri. 

“Technically it’s mine,” Bucky grumbled as she started giving him a once over, but her glare shut him up fast. Had it been any other day you’d have enjoyed the clear admiration and respect between the two. Hell you’d even have laughed at the way Shuri scolded Bucky, not treating him like something that might break if she said the wrong thing. 

Today you were too caught up in your own mind worrying about the mess you had made. You weren’t even sure if you should be sad or happy when Shuri dragged Bucky off to Tony’s tech lab, making Tony audibly groan when she made a comment about hoping it had been updated since the last time she was here. 

Bruce dragged you off in the other direction towards the medic wing. You wanted to protest. All you could think about right now was getting back to your room and hiding amongst your pillows. You wanted the day to be over or better yet to have never happened. You had no more fight in you though, so instead of arguing, you simply followed Bruce instructions. 

You knew you weren’t really hurt. Bucky had taken the worst of it. You knew he healed quickly, but you still couldn’t help worrying about him. It was your fault he was in pain. You promised yourself that no matter what ended up happening or not happening between the two if you, it would be the last time he’d get hurt because of you. 

Just as you expected, getting checked out and cleared didn’t take long. Bruce gave you strict instructions to take it easy for a few days after putting a bandage on your sprained wrist and giving you something for the pain your bruised ribs caused you. 

You were just about to get off the bed to go back to hide in your room when Sam wheeled himself in. He was doing a lot better, but you knew he was going to be using the chair quite a bit for the next week or two. The hospital had said a few months, but you knew your brother and there was no way in hell it would take him that long to get back on his feet full time. 

“What the hell were you thinking Y/N!” he yelled almost before he was all the way through the door, and you instantly lowered your head. It wasn’t often the two of you fought, and it was even more rare for him to berate you for something. Sam had always treated you like an equal, even with how protective he could be. Today you had earned the anger, and you weren’t going to talk back. 

“I’m gonna leave you two alone,” Bruce quickly excused himself from the room, giving you and Sam the space he knew you needed. 

“Those wings aren’t toys! It took me months of training to get in the field. It took me years to know what the hell I was doing! You could have gotten you and everyone else killed! I never thought you’d do something that stupid,” Sam continued scolding you, and you quickly began to tear up. 

“I’m sorry about your wings Sam. I didn’t mean to..” you began before he interrupted you.

“It’s not about the goddamn wings Y/N!” he hissed, before growing quiet. You didn’t know what he was thinking or if he was even still in the room. You didn’t look up. You just cried silently, staring down into your lap. You had messed everything up. Everyone hated you, and you had no idea how to fix it. 

You buried your face in your hands as you felt the bed shift next to you as Sam lifted himself out of the chair to sit beside you. He pulled you into a tight embrace, and you instantly wrapped your arms around his waist, crying against your brother’s chest. 

“I’m so sorry Sam. I’m sorry,” you repeated over and over again as your brother gently rocked you. 

“It’s okay. We’re fine. You scared me Bambi,” Sam spoke in a gentle tone. You had always been a clumsy child. You managed to grow out of it mostly, but your brothers nickname for you had stuck. He only used it once in a while, and it was special to both of you. 

“I got so angry. I wanted the people that did that to me… that made me hurt you. I wanted them to pay,” you rambled in between sobs, still clinging to him. “I’m so sorry. I should have listened to Steve. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.”

“It’s fine. No one was seriously hurt. Steve gets a little preachy at times, but he cares about you. He understands,” Sam tried to calm you, but you kept crying. 

“Bucky was hurt. He must hate me now. I…” you kept crying, but this time Sam pulled you back forcing you to look at him. 

“Bucky doesn’t hate you. You need to get that idea out of your head right now for both of your sakes.” Sam’s tone was firm, but his eyes soft. “You scared the shit out of him too Y/N, and he doesn’t know how to tell you that. But trust me, if anyone understands acting out of anger it’s him. And he’ll never deny you making your own choices. No matter how stupid they might be.” Sam gave you a little smile with his last words and you dried your eyes sniffling. 

“You really believe all that?” you asked, and Sam nodded, giving your arms a squeeze. 

“He has been through a lot, but Bucky is a good man. I know I give him shit a lot, but I admire him for how far he’s come. Go talk to him and see for yourself,” Sam pushed, causing your heart to clench in fear. What if Sam was wrong? 

“I don’t…” you started, but Sam just got off the bed, standing on wobbly legs, pulling you with him. 

“Trust me Bambi. Today you need to be the brave one cause he won’t be. It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you, but some things are still and might always be a little hard on him.” 

You took a deep breath, knowing your brother was right. He always was when it came to things like this. He was good with people. He understood them in a way few did and he always knew how to treat them accordingly. 

“Okay,” you muttered, giving Sam another hug. “Are you gonna be okay?”

“Oh yeah,” Sam grinned. “I’m gonna go force Steve to train with me so I can get out if this thing and back to kicking all your asses soon.” Sam let himself fall back down into the wheelchair with a smile plastered across his face, causing you to laugh and shake your head. 

With a plea to wish you luck and Sam assuring you that you didn’t need it, you headed down the hall towards Bucky’s room. If he was back from the tech lab this was where he would be. He hated the hospital wing and hospitals in general so you didn’t even bother to check if he had been in one of the other rooms. He wouldn’t be. The ivs and machines brought back to many bad memories, and whenever Bucky was in a place like that for his own treatment, he retreated into himself and became someone you hardly recognized for days. He had never been rude to you or anyone. He never hurt anyone, but it was like he wasn’t all there. Like he was trapped in his mind somehow until he managed to beat whatever darkness that was still left in there back, and the Bucky you knew returned. Still quiet, but more smiling and more aware of the people around him.

You closed your eyes, trying to calm your breathing as you stood outside his door, before raising your hand, gently knocking. 

“Not now Steve,” Bucky’s voice sounded from inside the room, and your breath hitched in your throat. His voice sounded off. 

“It’s not Steve. Bucky, can I please come in?” You’re voice sounded as insecure as you felt. The deafening silence coming from inside the room just added to you’re feeling that coming here had been a mistake. Still Sam’s words rang inside your head. 

“Today you have to be the brave one.”

“Bucky?” you pushed carefully, and you heard a shuffle inside the room. 

“Yeah. Come in.” 

You weren’t sure if his answer made you relieved that he was still talking to you or simply just terrified to face him. Still, you couldn’t back down now that you had made it this far, so you pushed open the door and stepped inside. You’re eyes widened when you saw him. He was sitting on the edge of his bed waiting for you to come in. 

He was in pj pants and nothing else. His arm was missing but the stump at his shoulder was covered up.That wasn’t what drew your attention though. It was what the missing arm made all the more evident. His entire left side was covered in bruises, and you knew he had to have been hurt badly for them to even show or linger for hours for that matter. 

“My God. Bucky!” You rushed across the room, kneeling down between his legs and gently running your fingers down his chest, just barely avoiding the bruises. “You need to go to the medic wing to get checked out,” you worried, looking up at him, but Bucky avoided your eyes. 

“Shuri and Steve had one of the doctors come by. I just need some rest,” Bucky answered, still avoiding eye contact. 

You swallowed the lump in your throat as you realized he couldn’t even look at you. You refused to give up though. There had to be a way for the two of you to get past this. 

“Bucky I’m sorry. I never meant for you to get hurt. I never meant for any of this,” you spoke quietly, and finally his eyes met yours. You saw no anger in them. You weren’t sure what you saw, but it wasn’t anger. 

“I know that Y/N. I also know why you did it. I shouldn’t have left you behind like that,” he began, and you instantly reached up to cup his face in your hands. You couldn’t let him blame himself for this. This was on you and only you. 

“It’s not your fault,” you insisted as Bucky reached up, taking a hold of one of your wrists. He wasn’t trying to move your hands. On the contrary it felt as if he tried to prevent you from moving away. You had no plans too, but the little gesture still made you relax a little. 

“I was so scared I was going to lose you Y/N,” Bucky’s voice almost cracked, but he knew he had to make you understand just how much you meant to him. He had never felt more terrified in his life seeing you fall from the sky like that, and that counted 1945 when he died to the world. 

“I can’t lose you. I love you,” Bucky admitted quietly looking into your eyes. He saw the shock from his sudden confession before your eyes softened and you smiled. You pushed yourself up towards him, pressing your lips tenderly against his. He kissed you back, pulling you against his chest, ignoring his battered ribs and organs screaming at him. He needed to feel you and know you were real. You were here with him and not dead at the bottom of a Siberian mountain.   

“I love you too James,” you whispered, making him smile at the use of his birth name as much as your confession. He never really liked it, but from your lips it sounded like a melody. He gently wrapped his arm around your waist. He pulled you into the bed with him, causing you both to groan in pain before laughing about it as you fought to get comfortable without breaking free of each other’s embrace. 

Somehow you managed to find a position that allowed Bucky to to keep his arm around you without either of you being in pain. Your lips hardly broke free from each other as you kissed. It was soft and tender, just like your touch as both your hands began to wander. Bucky’s gently sliding under your top, caressing your stomach, side and back. Your hands ran over his chest, enjoying how his muscles flexed in response to your touch. 

You weren’t sure how long you stayed like that, but your lips were swollen, and your heart was racing when Bucky finally pulled back a little. His hand stayed under your shirt, giving your side a gently squeeze as his eyes almost shyly avaded yours. 

“I’m not sure I’m ready for this yet,” he mumbled causing you to frown, trying to understand what he was talking about. The way he kept his hand on you, holding you against him, you knew he didn’t mean the relationship. 

“You’re not re… oh,” you stopped as the thought finally dawned on you, and you giggled, kissing his cheek and nose. A smile crept back onto his face as his eyes met with yours. “I’m not either. And I am not sure that’s what Dr. Banner had in mind when he told me to relax for a few days,” you deadpanned, causing Bucky to throw his head back in laughter. 

“I don’t know. As I recall it’s very relaxing though it has been a while,” he smirked at you, enjoying the way you hide your face against his shoulder, trying to hide your embarrassment. He chuckled, pressing his lips against your neck, before closing his eyes, just content to lie there with you. 

“Bucky?” you spoke after a few minutes. As the fear had left your body and you had begun to relax, details of the day started to come back to you. Details you had meant to share with Steve the moment the mission was over, but the way everything had turned out you forgot. Now it was nagging at you. Bucky was here so maybe he could help you make sense of it all. 

“Hmmm,” Bucky replied. Completely relaxed and honestly half asleep. You always made sleep easier for him, and after everything today, he needed it. 

“I saw something today before I reached you guys,” you started, resting your chin against his chest to look up at him. Bucky opened his eyes, meeting yours. They were a little clouded, but you had his attention. 

“Yeah? What did you see?” Bucky’s fingers ghosted over your back, sending a shiver up your spine as you recalled the weird looking vessel you had flown over. 

“It wasn’t a jet or a helicarrier, but not a normal plane either. I’m not sure,” you started, as you drew patterns over his stomach. “The weirdest thing was, it wasn’t manned. It had all these computers with a face on one of them.”

Bucky sat up abruptly, looking down at you, causing you to flinch in pain. Bucky didn’t react though. The logical part of his brain knew he should, but everything in him was slowly being overridden by a paralysing fear he didn’t remember feeling for decades. Not since the first time he looked down at his own body and saw his arm being replaced with metal. His heart started to race as memories of painful injections and torture flashed through his mind. He hoped with everything he had that he was wrong, but he also knew the likelihood of that was slim. 

“What did he look like Y/N?” Bucky could see surprise and worry on your face. Part of him wanted to pull you into his arms and promise you everything was going to be okay. Only if this was what Bucky expected, nothing was okay. Very far from it. 

“I don’t know. Weird looking. Chubby. Round glasses,” you listed as you thought back to the image on the screen. His reaction was scaring you. Even with what all you had been through with him, you had never seen him like this. He was pale. His muscles were clenching to the point that he was almost shaken. 

“Bucky what’s going on?” you asked, when he jumped from the bed, reaching out to you, pulling you with him. The swift action made it feel as if a knife went through your ribs, but if Bucky noticed he didn’t react. The darkness and distance in his eyes was freaking you out, but not to a point where he was scaring you. Nothing Bucky could ever do would scare you, but you were scared for him. Something you had said triggered something he’d rather forget, and that was something you’d do anything within your power to protect him from. 

“I’ll explain later. We need to find Steve,” Bucky answered, pulling you towards the door, ignoring the protests of his body and trying to calm the storm in his mind.  


End file.
